the Big one stole poetry back from the academics and I‘m thankful. When asked what I have been doing I told my silver bearded and bilingual neighbour that I had been writing lots of poems and short stories. Bilingual is a published poet. He was born in the Holy Desert and looks distinguished. He asked really, what about? I told him I’d just finished a poem about masturbating. Oh Andy, he said as his eyebrows furrowed to a look of horror. He looked at me like I’d just kicked his grandmother. He looked at me like I’d just wiped my arse with Shakespeare. He was disappointed in me. He was disappointed because I was not following the form and had disgraced poetry by writing about such shallow things. He is of the school of verse. To him no rhyme or stanza means the poem is no good. If a poem doesn’t allude to anything it’s no good. To him a poem is something holy. I don’t care about that. A poem is a chance to eliminate structure. A poem is a chance to scream your bloody head off. To me a poem is a chance to write without form
-We’re only friends on Facebook
-What’s that?
-I said we are only friends on Facebook
-Yeah I heard you; I meant what’s Facebook?
-Oh, it’s a free way for friends to communicate. It’s on the Internet
-Completely free?
-It’s free if you have a computer. Do you have a computer?
-No
-Ok so it’s not free for you. You’ll have to hire or borrow one
-What did you mean by only friends on Facebook
-Well, I meant I’m just a friend at Christmas. I only get one message a year
-Do you want more than that?
-More than one Christmas or more than one message?
-More than one message
-Well not especially but it’d be nice
-Would you prefer to get no messages at all?
-I’m not that lucky
-Do you have many friends on Facebook?
-Not many. Some people have more than five hundred friends. That’s more than one friend a day
-I can count
No, I mean obviously, but do you think you can call someone who you have no communication with apart from Facebook with a friend?
-I don’t know what you’d call a friend
-It’s the new skiting. People used to collect stamps or dolls but these days they collect friendships
-What would you prefer they collect?
-STD’s
-No, seriously, what should they collect?
-Stamps or dolls
-Would you prefer to have stamps and dolls over friends?
-You can keep the dolls
-What about the friends?
-They come and go for the most… very few will be there at the end. Very few from Facebook will be there
-That’s sad
-Sad for you, not for me
-Why are you even on Facebook then?
-It’s a good way to keep in contact with friends overseas
-Have you been overseas?
-Not recently
-But you’re still on Facebook?
-This conversation is getting boring
-Maybe we should talk on Facebook instead?
-I don’t want to be your friend
-We could do this all the time on the computer. You could find new friends to replace the old ones. You and I could be friends. We could start collecting new friends together
-I’d rather eat mud
-Than have another friend?
-Than have another friend like you
Andrew Stuart Buchanan