YOU’RE TELLING THE STORY

-Nah, we’re not friends anymore… not even on Facebook. They deleted me. I checked
-Why?
-Why aren’t we friends or why did I check?
-Why aren’t you friends?
-You tell me
-You’re telling the story
-Oh right… honestly I don’t know
-You’ll have more of a clue than I do
-There could be a few reasons
-Like what?
-They outed themselves
-Are you a homophobe?
-No but sometimes when they switch codes they end up hating us
-How did they out themselves
-They wrote a piece where they went into great detail about the link between left-handers and homosexuality
-Are they left-handed?
-Yes
-That’s not someone coming out of the closet
-Well it doesn’t help
-Do you think gay people need help?
-No, I need help
-Do you have something against left-handed gay people?
-No but obviously they have something against right-handed straight people. They also wrote a good piece about all of the genius’s that have been left-handed. I told them that my father is almost ambidextrous. I asked if that made my father almost gay or almost a genius?
-What did they say to that?
-I don’t know, we’re not friends anymore… not even on Facebook
-You said there could be a few reasons…
-Well they tried to get me to fund their deal
-What a drug deal?
-No, idiot, a record deal
-Don’t labels fund acts
-Good ones do
-Are they no good?
-I didn’t say that
-Well why were they hitting you up for money?
-They were trying to be independent
-Hitting friends up for money isn’t being independent
-No I mean they were trying to do it without the constrainments imposed by a major label
-You mean by doing it with your money?
-You’re right. Hitting friends up for money isn’t being independent
-Don’t they have money of their own?
-I have no idea
-…
-They also told me I should stop smoking cigarettes and then I’d be able to give them some money
-To fund their deal?
-Yep
-Did you?
-No way, I’ve had to work my entire life for the things I wanted
-You mean like cigarettes
-Yeah
-Do you have a job now?
-No I was robbed of that
-Don’t they work?
-I don’t know, I told you before, we’re not friends anymore… not even on Facebook. I also wrote a short where I made a criticism of people with more than four hundred friends on Facebook. Facebook is an alternate reality. Another of my friends once called Facebook social masturbation.
-Really? That’s great, I wish I’d said that
-So do I
-How many friends do they have on Facebook?
-Who?
-The left-handed homo
-More than four hundred
-Were you meaning to insult them?
-No
-How do you know that they’ve got more than four hundred friends?
-Well because I thought that they might have been insulted by my story so I checked to see how many imaginary friends they had
-What do you mean imaginary, like Casper the ghost?
-No I mean virtual friends
-Do you think they were offended?
-I think so but how can I know, we’re no longer friends… not even on Facebook
-Does this person drink?
-No they’re sober
-So they had a drinking problem?
-It’s hard to say, they live in America where you’re either a drunk or sober. They live in America where there’s no in-between. They live in America where it’s cool to go to AA. AA’s just more social masturbation
-Isn’t it cool to go to AA in Australia?
-Going to the pub’s cool in Australia
-How did you meet the sober person?
-I met them one night at Barons in the Cross. They were wanking on about something they’d read in New Scientist about how humans can actually detect who they will like just by the scent a person emits
-What did you say to that?
-Nothing, I just got their head and jammed it under my armpit and asked them if they still liked me?
-Did they?
-They did then but they obviously don’t anymore
-I don’t think I like you either
-That’s all right. Our friendship’s going south anyway. I’m going to get a drink and play with Casper the ghost
-…

Andrew Stuart Buchanan