A DO

Religion.

Marx called it the “opium of the people”. At high school I had a girl that liked me drag me along to her bible youth group. Her entire house was filled with love-struck empty-eyed kids all huddled together in clumps. They all had pupils like Japanese cartoon characters and were too interested in everything. I dragged her into the pantry and finger-fucked her from behind. She taught me about the clitoris. I breathed the word, Satan, into her ear until she came, all wet, on my finger

My apartment is full of moths and their larvae. I am constantly killing the grown moths and squashing their young. I do not believe in karma or reincarnation so I don’t feel guilty but it does make me feel sad killing something. I had too, they had chewed through the box and plastic bag and into my cereal.. I know that the larvae do not feel but what if they do? I saw one crawling out of the cupboard so I ripped off a small piece of paper-towel and squashed it between my fingers. It made a popping sound and some of it landed on my cheek. I need somebody to help me clean out my cupboards. Now paralysed I cannot reach into them in my wheelchair

I changed all the pillows. I pulled them out and saw that the once white was now yellow. A care worker asked me why the pillows were so uncomfortable? I told her because they were new. I went on to tell her that they were stained and smelly with sweat so I chucked them out. But… she said, they were really comfortable. Would you prefer comfort to clean, I asked? No, she said, I would prefer old to new

I have tried my hardest to forget her. I’m only reminded when I look in the top drawer. baby forks stab my hand as I reach in. **** baby forks are the last. They still stab me. I will go out and buy some adult forks tomorrow and then I’ll be able to forget about her.. The brain the heart and the mind do not get on well with each other so I am unable to completely forget a good woman. It hurts to be a man. I pulled my pants down and took care of business while thinking of her. I came but was still hard so I did it ‘til I came again. It hurt inside me the second time

I’d booked the car service and he turned up early. I didn’t have my phone with me but was smoking a fag on the balcony when I saw him. He was early so I decided to finish the smoke first. He leaned across the passenger seat, tooted, and waved up to me. I smiled and then held the index finger of my right hand up. He nodded as the nicotine filled me up. I keep seeing ads on the telly warning against smoking during pregnancy. My mum smoked while she was pregnant with me and wrong there’s with nothing me. He said my name loudly as I exited the garage. I had forgotten his name so I just said, hey

I’d forgotten his name but I remembered his face, he’s pretty hard to forget. He’s huge and as bald as a baby. He looks like George the Animal Steele. I pulled up beside his car and he got out. He asked me how I was using my name again? It used to make me embarrassed and my face would flush when I couldn’t recall somebody’s name but it’s now happened so frequently that the endorphins don’t flow. I had to ask him to tell me his name again. I was once told I would get used to having a brain injury by an occupational therapist. I will never get used to it

He’s a good man and we talked easily as he drove me to my appointment. He asked me if I had a woman yet? I told him no but I have my eye on one. So why aren’t you with her, he questioned? I don’t think she likes me anymore, I mumbled. He looked at me as he drove and told me that I should just force her to like me. He said, look at me. I’m a fat bastard but do you know what? Woman love it when I asphyxiate them. How do you do that, I asked? When I’m on top of them, he said. He pointed across me to a woman walking past and told me that he’d fucked her. I almost broke her bed. You should have heard her muffled moans. Muffled by what, I asked? My left tit, he replied. He told me to play to my weakness

I thought of what he said a while then answered. Women feeling sorry for you never gets you any sex. All that gets you is pity. Pity can’t be used as a bargaining chip. You’re wrong, he said. All you have to do is get them alone and then you can fuck them. Ham it up, he said, make them feel so sorry for you that they’ll feel so guilty that they’ll give it up. Do you think that would make me feel good, I questioned? What, he asked, having sex? Well of course having sex would make me feel good, I replied, but getting sex under false pretence’s would make me feel terrible. I remember what it feels like to have a woman need to be with me. It’s a big world. I’m happy to wait for the right woman. I want a woman who wants me not one that I’d have to trick. Yeah, he said, but it’s lawful game

I’ve learnt more about women now that I don’t have one than all the years I spent fucking them. A woman’s eyes give her away. Each has an agenda. I know one woman who wants a man with straight black hair and green eyes. Every time a woman gets close to me it’s for her own reason. I’m a man so I’m just along for the ride. One woman told me to let us, women, inside. I scream when I look inside. Every man does. When we look inside we see all the potential. Man is the conqueror but we do not rule. That’s why some men don’t talk at all. They sweat and try to get it out. Every man is his own King. We know it and that’s why we hate ourselves. We kill what is around us in fear

A man in the waiting room leaned across and told me he was fighting with his wife. Oh yeah, I asked? He told me he had done something insignificant and she’d been mad at him for a week and a half. I sat and wondered why he thought I’d care? And do you know what this morning, he asked? I shrugged my shoulders. She waited till I’d gotten dressed for work and then she walked up to the ironing board naked. She’s so hot. She’s got these massive breasts, they’re like great white watermelons, and she got me all hard. She bent over and started ironing with her big tits swinging so I walked up behind her unzipped and fucked her against the wall. She even let me come inside her. Then do you know what she did, he asked? I shrugged my shoulders again. He looked me in the eye and replied, she said,  I’m still mad at you. He was silent waiting for a reply until we both laughed at the same time

I got in there and sat and listened to the man in the white coat. I didn’t hear a thing. All I could hear was the pain in my back and the ringing in my ear. The appointment consisted of nothing and nothing of nothing. I waste my time at these consultations that they say fix my life. There is more piled upon more and I’m the only one who doesn’t care. I saw my reflection in his spectacles and I hated it. I wish I could get away from myself. His mouth moved up and down but I heard nothing. Words don’t mean a thing. He finally dusted his hands and told me we were finished. He asked, so do you have a girlfriend? No, I said, but I’ve found the bible. He chuckled and said, well that’ll kill you a lot quicker. I laughed and looked down in my lap. There were two of the larvae sitting there eating my pants, I hadn’t even seen them. I never see what is in front of me

I will wait for her ‘til the day I die. I will not let the new become the old. I will kill it first. Every woman I see has no face except hers. They only have a body. At home I tore another piece of tissue off and squished the larvae. I then got a sheet from the packet of paper and wrote all this down. I write it down to help me remember. The one-eye squints and squirts but the heart does not see. The mind holds no opinion. The phone rang so I answered. It was a woman asking me if I wanted to go to church with them. I’ve already been, I replied, I’ve wanked twice today. Bugger off, I said, leave me alone, then hung up and reached for my pen. I have reams of paper but the moths do not eat them. Respect. It feels like there is a force beyond me when I write, sometimes it writes itself…

I will wait for her ‘til the day I die. I will not let the new become the old. I will kill it first

AndrewStuartBuchanan