Monthly Archives: May 2016

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DO YOU HAVE FLYBUYS

 
 
 
 
FLORR + R18
 
 
 
I don’t set out intending to offend people. Any offence is unintentional and ultimately inconsequential.

 
 
I looked at porn magazines when I was a young boy. It ruined me. I used to read the stories when I had gotten tired of the photos. I would still get hard reading. This is a product.

 
 
 
 
 
 
She pulled out some of my hair by the roots as she came the first time. I was licking her in the bathroom. She was wide open shuddering on the vanity with her knickers at her feet. Her taste tasted so good. She was so wet. She had already had one orgasm and had shuddered into my face but had kept my head in there. My poor tongue was numb but the base screamed stretched as I kept teasing her. The animal in me gave her all I had as she shuddered into my nose and forehead. There was a bang on the door before a man yelled, Security! She screamed, JUST A MINUTE, and kept my head there. My tongue gave her everything I had and she jiggled and moaned loudly. I had her. She was mine for that moment. Her right leg kicked against the wall of the cubicle with the second spasm. The door banged again and the man shouted, I know what you’re doing in there! No, I thought, you don’t.

He kept banging on the door and she kept moaning. I pulled my head out from between her legs and shouted, It’s ssssuck! My tongue tried again, it’s sssstuuck! We are calling the police, the voice said. She pulled my head back until her trembling stopped. Come on she said as she pulled her skirt back down and started buttoning her shirt back up. She took her knickers off on one foot and handed them to me daintily. For, I asked? Sniff ‘em she said. She smiled before she whispered, multiple orgasms into my ear. She looked down at the fistful of my hair in her hand and put it in the front of her bra. I looked at her knickers again. They were a pretty pink and stained. Both of my eyes closed as I brought them to my face and breathed in her orgasms. She pushed past me and used her knuckles to push the button to open the door. She came back opened her purse and took out two fifty-dollar notes and pushed them into my hand. A hundred, I asked? She unclasped the coin section and emptied into her hand and tried passing them to me. I hadn’t said a word but she still said, it’s all I have. I shook my head and told her that I did not want her money. She smiled and kissed me on the cheek and told me it was worth it. She dropped the handful of coins onto the bathroom florr as she left. It may not be love in this modern world but it is close enough.

I couldn’t decide wether to pick the coins up or not. I looked in the mirror and saw her all over my face and smiled. I left the coins for someone else. She skipped away from me back towards her store. The door swung slowly shut. I urinated, washed my hands and looked at myself in the mirror. I inhaled and her juices, literally, were all I could taste. I was in love. Breathing in her I could not remember anything else. I pushed the button with my elbow and the door slowly opened. It was half opened when I saw security still standing there. The security guard at the mall had a black suit and a badge so you knew who he was. Was she bothering you, he asked? No, I said, quite the opposite. I headed towards the exit and saw her serving behind the till. I imagined her standing at the till with her juices still dripping down her leg. Now I know I will never be able to forget or remember her unless I write something down. I put the shopping bag down on the ground and pulled my wallet from my pants. I wrote down on the back of my grocery-list, I’ve got to start shopping here more regularly.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Andrew Stuart Buchanan

THE ENEMY WILL NOT DRESS THE SAME. Y

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THE ENEMY WILL NOT DRESS THE SAME. Y COMMUNISM

 

 

 

i start midway because i can
 

 

↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑         ↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑↑

 

 

→Do you really think so?
←Yes, It’s a terrible state of affairs
→No it’s not. I think it’s a great thing that all of the products that used to be made in this country are now made overseas. It makes them cheaper
←So you think it is great that Australians that used to make the same products in this country have been left redundant so you can save a dollar
→Yes
←You know it was only a few years ago that the Americans had the Western Civilisation scared of Red’s under the bed
→Who are the Red’s under the bed?
←Communists
→Was America right to be scared?
←Probably but they didn’t do enough to stop it from happening. They were looking at the wrong communists though and now the entire world is in China’s pocket. The Chinese are just as red
→What do you mean Chinese pockets?
←Look at the tag on your shirt
→It says Lacoste
←That’s the logo, I meant look at the tag on the inside label next time you take it off

She took her shirt off and I said, Jesus, under my breath. My God, (yes that is twice, sorry Lord for it is in vain) she had a body that looked like it had come out of a men’s magazine. Her breasts popped up over the top of the bra she was wearing and were trying their hardest to leave it, and I wanted them to

→It says, designed in France…
←…And what does it say under that?
→It says made in China… Made in China?
←If you look at most of the tags on most of your clothes they will say the same thing
→Shit, she said, well how about that, as she put the shirt back on. Seeing her bra and the bits of her exposed breasts being covered up made me feel sad
←How about it’s right. The country that the Americans were scared of is in cahoots with China and Chins is now owed trillions of dollars from money loaned to the rest of the world
→How are China and Russia in cahoots?
←By the hammer and sickle
→But if the USA and the world owes China money then wouldn’t you say that the ethos of communism has more merit than that of democracy?
←You would probably say that if you lived in a communist country
→And if you lived in a democratic country what would you say?
←It depends on your age and it depends on what you’ve seen. I have a friend who will not buy anything from Japan because she had a relative in Changi
→Isn’t that the women’s clothing store in Bondi Junction?
←No Changi was a prisoner of war camp run by the Japanese during World War Two
→Was it like Gauntanimo Bay
←Kind of but different, the Japanese starved and used to put bamboo under the British, American and ANZAC prisoners fingernails to get them to talk
→Did they talk?
←I don’t know… America dropped the bomb so I guess they didn’t
→Maybe they did?
←Did what?
→Talk
←Talk?
→Yeah maybe that’s why the American’s dropped the bomb. Maybe their prisoner’s told the Japanese too much so they had to drop the bomb
←I don’t think so, on paper it just seemed like the kid with the big dick at school pulling his pants down to show the girls in the third form
→What does that mean
←It means it was just an act of defiance through will
→What do you mean will?
←Well they had the will and the necessary means to show who had the biggest dick
→Didn’t the Japanese have nukes?
←No and it’s only been until recently that they have been able to have any form of military at all
→Can’t they be trusted?
←I guess since they have been nuked once already and haven’t retaliated the West suspects them to have the smallest dick in the class
→I think that we are living in the midst of a new Hitler in Donald Trump
←Don’t you think that’s a bit over the top?
→No, he’s talking about building a wall between America and Mexico
←Well that makes him the new Chancellor Kohl
→Who?
←That’s the guy who built the wall between East and West Germany
→Did that keep them separated?
←Maybe for a week until somebody started digging a tunnel
→So do you agree with Donald Trump?
←No way
→So why are you defending him?
←I’m not defending Trump. I’m merely disagreeing with your assessment of him. I think you are only regurgitating a statement you have heard somebody else say. I agree that Trump comes across sounding like a racist and a bigot. The fact that he is doing so well in the primary’s would lead an intelligent person to believe that a large portion of American’s population agree with his racist diatribe
→So how is he not a new Hitler?
←Well if he starts building gas chambers and has a firing squad lined up on the border I will be happy to have been proved wrong
→Did you say you would be happy if he put a firing squad on the border?
←See you’re not even listening to me; you are just waiting for a chance to attack me because I am offering a counterpoint to your opinion

→That’s not what I heard you say

←That’s not what you thought you heard me say, I don’t agree with Donald Trump, Truman (president that sanctioned the bomb) Hideki Tojo or Hitler. I just didn’t agree with you

She looked at me silently a long time before she told me she had to go. I said goodbye and watched her bum jump as she walked away. She had a nice bum and I wish I could have stayed quiet or agreed with what she was saying. That’s the trouble with the youth of today. I just can’t do it. Today’s youth have the merits of the hippies with the impetus of the X Generation. Everything has been given to them and the extended hand. They are one for all and watch out if you’re not with us. If you stand alone you are the enemy. I am wrong because she said I was wrong and not on my merit. It has nothing to do with my opinion or who I am. The enemy is within our sights. I prefer my enemy to live over the fence out of sight. Take a good look at the clothes you are wearing. The enemy will not dress the same

 

 

Y COMMUNISM

 

 

 
Andrew Stuart Buchanan

PUT THE PEN AND PAD DOWN

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I re-worked this one thinking about Sam De Brito. He was a good friend and I miss him. He told me that he liked this one and showed it to everybody. I liked it when he said, bombs away when he printed my first. I’ve started writing a story about another women wanting a visa. She told me so. If you know how to ask a woman will tell you the truth. I haven’t finished it yet. I’ve been too sad to finish something new so I have been painting instead. I know what my problem is. I want an honest woman to love me. There is nobody on the other side of my bed. It is dusty with nobody to bump against

 

 

PUT THE PEN AND PAD DOWN

 

 
I was talking with JT, the owner of Bondi Ink, the other day. He’s a good bloke with big hands, has a handshake like putting your hand in a pneumatic vice. It’s like shaking hands with Andre the Giant. Still, that’s better than the other way. It’s better than shaking hands with a jellyfish. At least you know he’s all there. Anyway JT asked me how I was getting on so I told him. I told him I was still fighting my body and the corporation. I told him that they were now making me see a psychologist. Yeah, he said, that’s their answer to everything isn’t it. Now you can say whatever you want but I didn’t contradict him, you don’t want to argue a man with hands that big. I didn’t tell him but he was wrong. It’s not their answer to everything; it’s their question

 
 
 
behind a card

 

 

He held the Rorscach card just below his nose and gently asked

-Now tell me what you see?

I saw the flickering fluorescent light shining off his balding head

-You hiding behind a card

-Very good but what do you see on the card?

-Um… I see Madonna holding two car tyres at arms length, she’s got her pointy breastplate on and she’s in labor giving birth to a giant crab with moth wings. You can see her uterus and she’s singing like a virgin

He gave me a look that I can’t describe in words. He took the first one down. There was a large piece of wax paper between each. His finger tapped in the air at the next one

-Ahh… that’s a bat on its way home. It’s finished eating the berries and has shit all over my driveway

He inhaled sharply and winced. It looked like he didn’t believe me. He was right. I didn’t believe me either. He started pulling the card slowly and gently down to his lap. He suddenly stopped halfway and made as if he was going to pull it back up but didn’t. He had hands like a lady. His fingers only ever touched the sides. He was treating the cards with such reverence. If he hadn’t put on such an act I might’ve never seen a new-age snake charmer. His actions were painted

-And now this one, he inquired?

The card looked a mangle and could have been any of four different things

-Uuum… that’s two pregnant Indian squaws with erect nipples. They’re on their knees and they’re kissing

He studied me silently with a look somewhere between lonely and sad and took the card down to reveal the next

-And what do you see here, he asked?

-That one’s two girls kissing

The room fell silent. I felt a cold trickle of sweat drip down from my left armpit. The clock on the wall ticked.

-No, I said, that’s two women kissing

I could see his mind working. He broke my stare and wrote something down on his pad. He then took the card down and there was another behind it

-No sorry, I said, that last one was two girl’s kissing

-And what’s this one, he said as he tapped at the corner of the picture with his pen?

His ladylike fingers were long pink and thin and his fingernails were unclipped and pointy. I wondered if a man with fingernails that long was in a position to tell me anything about myself?

-That’s three girl’s kissing, I said. I folded my arms for a punctuation stop and smiled

-And what’s this one, he asked as he peeled the card down to his lap revealing another?

I studied his nose and the big blackhead in the middle it. I wondered why he hadn’t squeezed it? The blackhead was big and was obviously full of pus and I again wondered how someone in his position could walk around like that. I wondered how he couldn’t see it?

-That one’s three girls kissing one girl…

He stared at me as though he hated me. Every second felt like an hour as he held my stare. He put the cards down on the table. His left leg was crossed over his right and he kept drawing it back. He saw me staring at his body language and uncrossed his legs. His shoulders hunched and both of his hands went to his knees as he asked me what I meant? I smiled as I told him

-That’s three girl’s kissing one girl… although I can’t tell if she’s enjoying it or not…

-Enjoying what? He snapped back at me with a look of shock on his face

-Being kissed

-This is serious you know, he said as his legs spread and his arms folded for a punctuation stop. He knew I was full of shit

-Being kissed, I asked?

-No I mean what we’re doing here today. This method is based upon decades of clinical analysis

I smiled and said

-Anal suss-suss

-No I’m serious, he demanded, what are you doing here today?

I watched as his fingers turned pinker around the picture as he gripped it tightly. I looked up at the three diplomas on his wall. I thought of all the years it took him to realise what he knows. I thought of how I’d been bullied and victimized into this situation. More than half the world is crazier than I am but I had to prove I wasn’t. I thought of what I was doing there and told him the truth

-I don’t know what I’m doing here today. I wanted to know the same thing… and why are all those girls kissing?

-….

 
 

 
 
Andrew Stuart Buchanan COULD LEAVE THEN.