Monthly Archives: February 2015

OSCAR HAD A GUN

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OSCAR HAD A GUN

i hate confrontations but I’m going to have to tell her off. she is forcing me to it. she is a bigot with the brains of a blowfly. it is only because i am incapacitated that i’ve had to let all these strange people in to my life. i am totally surrounded by them. if i had a gun i would shoot her. Oscar got off, what do you think my chances would be? i try to remain positive and laugh at all the misery in my reality. luckily i cannot remember too far

circumstance has forced me to let ordinary people into my extra-ordinary life. i would never would have met them before. now i’m stuck with them. i am grateful for their help but it still makes me sad thinking of all the love i’ve lost. i never loved her but i missed her so i text her a happy new year. that was weeks and weeks ago and i haven’t had a response. i think i know why. she believes that she is attuned with the powers of the forces and everyone else is either deluded or wrong. she is only half-way right

i saw a moth larvae crawling up my kitchen wall so I squashed it with a piece of paper towel. i am not a Buddhist (obviously). i no longer think about her but i wonder if she ever thinks about me? she wouldn’t. she got out when she could. i wish i could join her. how would i get out of this? there are only two options, continue or bite the bullet (i mean swallow the bullet). i am as insignificant to her as the larvae is to me. i had to check the mail so I went outside. a hot woman wearing a red dress that hugged every bit of her walked past. she smiled at me so i told her it was a beautiful dress. she said thanks and kept walking

the beer still works it’s magic on me. 1…6…13… bottles and i forget who i am and how i got here. the trouble is that when i wake up i am still the same. i would love to go and drill another hole in this drip-feed system. help but no jingle. just stuck in this netherworld. i am stuck. that’s how they called it. i threatened the funnel web. it told me that it would fuck me then spin its web around me. that’s the only reason why i haven’t. nobody really cares but me

i talked to ******. they are good with dribs and factoids but they are no good with me. i told them about how lonely i am for love. they asked if i tried. i told them the truth in that i try everyday, sometimes more than once a day. i never stop trying. maybe you try to hard, they said. great advice, thanks. if i don’t try woman just walk past me and don’t talk. lots of them stare but when i ask them out they withdraw. if i didn’t try i would never know. they only want to look at me. i don’t know why

I will never know

Andrew Stuart Buchanan

A COCK-RING PLEASE

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A COCK-RING PLEASE

Old Father (is it? why do we say it’s is a man? Most good things come from a woman) Time has already taken a chunk out of the year and nothing has changed. Sorry now that’s a lie, I’m older and I’m slower. I just meant that I’m still in this fucking chair and she’s still threatening to rape me. It was kind of funny the first time she said it and I could laugh. I may have even laughed the first half a dozen times but I can no longer do it. Think of something new to say. If a man said it he would be arrested. She drove me there talking a mess of filth

The store was up a long flight of stairs so I asked her to go in for me. They are always either up or down a long flight of stairs. Very few are on the street level. She didn’t understand what I was asking for so she got me to write it down on a piece of paper for her. I did, I wrote it in block capital letters with my black pen, a COCK-RING please. She was gone for a long time so I supposed she was looking at vibrators. She finally came back outside with a tall skinny gay man. He asked if I wanted a noose? I didn’t know what he meant but said yes please. I will string it up tonight

I am too sick to live properly and I’m not sick enough to die properly so I just sit here half-living and half-dieing each day. The nurse came around to put a cork in it. I told her I missed pussy more than I missed walking. She said she would find me a Filipino woman. What the flip (pun intended)? She started telling me that I would have to…. And then stopped. She though about what she was telling me and finished saying, you would have to look after her. She meant I would have to pay for her. It‘s a love that I’d have to buy. I don’t know that much but that’s not worth my love

I write all this horrible shit down because I’m actually a good man. I twist it and add my own filth and make it better or worse than it really was. Sometimes I can’t properly remember what had happened and that’s when I get twisted. I can sit here in my room and write what I do not have the ability to say or do at the time. I only remember the things that hurt me. I write them down on bits of paper and then when I cannot sleep I will run with them in my mind. I sit in the audience

I met a man who was complaining about Big Daddy today. They were whinging about the system. They talked and talked but they could still walk and still had a good brain so I could not feel that sorry for him. I listened to them whinging about how hard they were finding negotiating the system. I told them that they were lucky. I am lost within the system. I cannot read the compass. The Godfather watches over me and he told me to deal with it so I did. I have. I build it up all around me when it has already been built

Father Time is a cross-dresser and Big Daddy no longer has balls. Two grandparents walked past me. The grandfather was carrying his little grandson on his shoulders while the grandmother pushed the empty pram. The little boy turned his head and stared at me like I was something interesting. He wouldn’t stop staring. I considered giving him the finger until I heard the grandfather tell him not to stare at me. He should have told him sooner. A man walking towards me smiled and told me to get out of the chair and walk. I told him that I would give him the first punch. He smiled again and told me there would only be one punch. I am too slow for a reply so I tried to smile too as he walked past

My dick used to be my life. Now he mostly hangs there. I used to think it was funny and I’d say all the time how I was going to chop it off and sell it on Ebay: 1used penis, well road tested. I woke up with a long tube coming out of it. Somebody had shaved my pubes and he looked bigger than I remembered. I felt good that my dick looked so big but I felt bad that there was a tube coming out of it. I tried to piss but the command did not go through

I’ve probably spent months alone with doctors and nurses hurrying around it. I can’t believe that this is all for Andy’s dick. My dick has led me around the world and I still haven’t found the perfect pussy. It doesn’t work the same and I hate myself for it. That’s why I will tie the noose around him and think about that perfect pussy. My penis doesn’t remember me. He must pay. I will string it up tonight. My love will have its worth

Andrew Stuart Buchanan

WRONG IS WE

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(somebody told me off and said I was always writing about being in a wheelchair. landing in a wheelchair is the defining moment of my life. everything else is just half-forgotten memories. i have met people born disabled and they have it differently. i’m not terribly bitter. only i observe)

 

 

 

WRONG IS WE

 

 

I woke up with a hangover and started coughing. Shit. I must have smoked three hundred cigarettes last night. I’d fallen asleep fully dressed with my shoes on. I looked in the mirror and saw a huge bruise on the bicep of my right arm. Shit. How did I get that? I looked at a large stain on the front of my trousers and realised I had pissed myself. My head thumped and pounded and my mouth tasted like shit. I asked why I did it to myself? I pushed to the fridge. I found another beer and remembered why

 

I gag on the toothbrush as I brush my teeth. I brush my tongue and gag again. I swallow a bit before I look in the mirror. I see the toothpaste has run from my mouth down my chin and looks like a moko. My head shakes involuntarily as I taste bile rising up to my mouth. The bile and the toothpaste make me vomit and I can’t stop it. Tears well in my eyes and they overflow on the right-hand side. I feel my stomach is empty. I look down at the sink and see my vomit is yellow with flecks of blood in it. Oh well, it least it was over the sink

 

She was hot so I acted interested. Well she wasn’t smoking hot but a desperate man has no taste. It’s been so long that I haven’t had a partner that I now look for different qualities. I’ll say to myself, oh she has nice tits or she has a nice bum and I will imagine spending my life with her. Tits and bum’s aren’t enough though are they? Are they? She asked me if I had ever heard of Light Therapy? I shook my head and pulled my best inquisitive face and said no, I’ve don’t think I’ve ever heard of that. Is that where they tie Christmas-tree lights to your genitals? Are you on something, she asked? I thought you switched them on when they were tied to you, I replied. She shook her head and sighed as I laughed. She turned around and walked off. I smiled as I realised I’d learned something. I had learnt how to keep them away

 

She asked if I could walk and I said, kind of. I got up on my frame to show her. She looked suitably unimpressed. Gee, she said, you walk kind of funny. You don’t walk very well. No shit. Teasing a paraplegic about the way that they walk is like pulling the wings off the fly. By that I mean it does nothing for either party. I told her I would walk all over her face one day. She said, just try it buster

 

There was somebody in the disabled toilet so I banged on the door. I heard a woman’s voice but couldn’t hear what she said. I waited a little longer. I had to wait. That would have to be one of the most abused disabled toilets in Sydney. The sliding glass door finally opened and a beautiful Malaysian woman in a wheelchair hurried out. I’m sorry, I said. I didn’t know… The woman had looked flustered and pissed off being made to leave the bathroom and sped past me. She would not look me in the eye. She may have been doing her makeup or she may have just been using the inordinate amount of time it takes for us people in a wheelchair to use the toilet. I finished mine and went back outside and looked for her. I needed to apologise again. I couldn’t find her

 

I know somebody who once said that the only woman I would probably find would also be in a wheelchair. I was offended as she said it. I have now spent so long by myself that I could believe her. I knew another woman who told me I might have used up all my chances with women. I smile and I flirt but the good ones ignore me. I now masturbate too frequently because I can’t find a chance

 

I asked if she had done it? She said no. She was lying. I knew she was lying because somebody had shown me a photo of her doing it. The war between the sexes was won a long time ago. One of my mates has a blog called All Men Are Liars. This is a point few can refute. At least a man is honest enough to admit this. A woman can tell a lie with such conviction as to make it a truth. She was going behind my back right in front of my face. Women lie with such a casual familiarity that most men are left disarmed. Men lie all the time but even another man can tell. A man will tell a lie with that shit-eating grin that gives it away. Men lie wanting to be caught while a woman lies wanting to get away with it. I didn’t confront her even though I knew she was lying. I’ll keep that card up my sleeve

 

I stopped in at the tobacconist. Well I didn’t really stop in because there is a huge step that I cannot get up. I waved in at the owner and he came out to serve me. I had to get a packet of filters for my **** ***** tobacco. The man handed me the packet of ultra-slims. There were 180 in the packet and they were all wrapped in bundles of five in plastic sheafs and half of them were in a small cardboard packet like they were Space Man cigarettes. That’s just what this planet needs (don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to act all sanctimonious, I only recycle when I remember and I have artificial bits in my body right now as we (I) speak that will last longer than the Dodo did on this planet but as a visual person I hate seeing senseless waste)

 

I pushed the wheelchair (fuck it) back up the hill home. A woman walking past said that I had strong shoulders. I smiled and told her I had no choice. She didn’t stop to talk to me so I couldn’t stop for her. I do not know. I got home and rolled a fag and went outside to smoke it. My back was so sore. If you smile then they don’t know. They will never know. I wanted to forget. To forget is bliss. I stubbed it out and pushed into the kitchen to the fridge. There was no beer left. I’d forgotten to get more. I had my last one for breakfast

 

 

 

Andrew Stuart Buchanan